Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Just call me the car undertaker

My favorite Hallmark Fresh Ink card...touché Hallmark, touché.
I quit, I'm done, I should never touch another motor vehicle as long as I live.  Not only did I inherit my father's atrocious death-defying creative driving skills, every car I drive seems to want to commit suicide on me.  First my beloved truck died and I had to buy Peri the (now) perished, now my loaners seem to be chronically depressed.

First the '71 Mercedes 450SL had issues, now the 2000 Chrysler LHS has battery issues and a flat tire.  I think the cars know my history and are doing this on purpose to save themselves from my horrifying terrible creative driving.

Going through 3 cars in 2 weeks is a new low, even for me, this is getting absurd.  Given my sordid terrifying complicated past with vehicles (in my defense the suburban was totally NOT my fault, that steer had it coming and it would have never happened if it had listened to its mother and not played in the road), I should just start walking everywhere.  I'd take the bus, but it takes me 45 minutes to get to work riding the bus while walking only takes about 30 minutes.

As I sat freezing on the curb this morning waiting for my friend to pick me up and take me to work, I began to think maybe my mother was right.  A horrifying thing for any woman to admit, I know.  She always wanted a plumber, electrician, and/or mechanic in the family.  I should probably just start hitting up every garage in town for dates.  Because at the rate I'm going I either need to join an Amish community or marry a mechanic and the Amish are a bit thin on the ground in these parts.

In other news, anyone want to by a '97 Chevy Lumina to use as a demolition derby car?  It still runs well enough for a derby, it just isn't safe for the road.  I'll give you a good deal, cause let's face it I'm just going to blow the proceeds on cake, it's been that kind of week/month/year.


Matt said...

I think I might be able to tell you something which will bring a smile to your face. Looks like the wheels are compatible.
For the Chrysler, http://www.originalwheels.com/chrysler-wheels/lhs2000rims.php
For the Lumina, http://www.originalwheels.com/chevrolet-wheels/lumina1997rims.php
To decipher that a little for you, they both have 5 lugs. The bolt pattern on the Chrysler is 4.5", on the Lumina it is 115mm. 115mm is 4.527559 inches. In reality, Chevrolet is about as American as they come, so I suspect it is actually 4.5" and they are just pretending to be metric. Besides, 0.028" is probably smaller than their manufacturing tolerances.
The Chrysler has slightly bigger and wider wheels so you'll be putting slightly smaller than stock wheels on. I checked the standard tire size for you and did all the math which I won't bore you with, and the end result is that you speedometer will read about 2% faster than it did before. Also, the Chrysler is 255 pounds heavier, so if you do swap the tires, don't go carrying a full weight load as you don't want to exceed the load capacity of the tires. The smaller tires also have a lower speed rating of 112mph, so no coast to coast races.

Marigold Gal said...

man I wish I still had my old Honda, Casper. That car just would NOT DIE. we tried to "replace" it many times, and it would kill the other car, forcing us to continue driving it. LOL - hence how it got it's name....

seriously though, I really wish there was something I could do to help.
Hang in there.
(mindy :) )

The Suzzzz said...

Thanks Matt, I tried to research it but I didn't understand the specs. I'll take this to my long suffering mechanic...along with a baked good bribe...and see if it is something he can do.

Mindy, thanks, I have the best friends! Honestly it is mostly venting. Once I get past the "Seriously?!? SERIOUSLY?!?!" stage, then I can progress to full on laughing at myself and my situation.

I'm not going to say "it can't possibly get worse" because I know it can always get worse, you know what the Monty Python boys always say...NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

The Suzzzz said...

You know as I re-read this post and think of all the cars I've totalled or broke, I can't believe I haven't learned anything about cars. I wish BATC offered a "how to fix your mistakes" automotive class for mechanically challenged people. Or at least a course on how to talk to a mechanic without screaming "ENGLISH Doc! Give it to me in English!" Because some days it is as bad as listening to a neurosurgeon dictate case notes.