Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Improve the shining moments

And by shining moments I mean the long, desolate, soul sucking hours we call work...unless of course you're unemployed and then I have nothing to help you improve those long, desloate, soul sucking hours you call your life, sorry 'bout that.

Let's face it, we call our jobs "work" because no one ever walked out of their home on the way to their employment and called out to their significant other/pet/empty house (I'm not judging, but why are you yelling stuff to your empty house?) "Bye, I'm going to FUN!".

Some of you might be saying "I LOVE my job, I LOVE my coworkers, there is nothing you can do to improve this sparkling gem of gainful employment that I skip to every day and miss when the weekend rolls around."  Well then by all means you can stop reading now and go back to work...uh I mean FUN!  The rest of you (aka 99.9% of the entire world) keep reading for my helpful guide to making your working hours a little more glamorous.

#1 - Buy a wide selection of feather boas and fill up the communal coat closet/rack so there is no room for anyone else's coats.  Wear a boa all day, every day, but change colors for different tasks, for example: "Oh my gosh, hold the meeting I'll be right back, I forgot to change into my executive meeting boa".

#2 - Refer to yourself in the third person and narrate everything you do.  "It's time for Bob to go to lunch.  Bob is clocking out.  Bob is standing up.  Bob has got this lunch thing in the bag!"  Also make sure to answer every phone call with "How did you get Bob's number?  Look Bob can't talk right now but Bob will have his people call your people", then call them back pretending to be your people.

#3 - One word = Bedazzle.  Buy yourself a bedazzler and bedazzle everything you can get your hands on using sparkles in your company colors.  When someone asks you what you're doing, respond with a cheer and then accuse them of not having any spirit.  "What is Bob doing?  I'll tell you what Bob is doing, he's being aggressive.  BE AGGRESSIVE, BE-E AGGRESSIVE!  What?  You want me to stop?  Where's your school work spirit?" follow that with a hercules jump and a fist pump then walk back to your desk high fiving people along the way.

#4 - Cut out a paper star and write your name on it.  Hang the star on the bathroom door and then lock yourself in there for your entire lunch break.  If anyone knocks just yell "Talk to my agent!  I can't work like this!"

#5 - Write all of your memos or correspondences as if they were a biblical passage, don't forget rule #3.  "And Bob beheld that the microwave was tainted with spilled soup and all manner of unclean things.  Bob brought forth the Clorox wipes and made the unclean clean again.  Wo, wo, wo unto the microwave filth mongers, for they shalt be smitten by Bob unless he be appeased by an offering that they shall make on the third day of the week at the temple of Bob (Bob accepts cash, checks, or loose diamonds)."

#6 - Make a sign that says "Gone to my trailer".  Put it on your desk when you go on break, make sure to put on a couple extra boas and the largest pair of sunglasses you can find and storm out of the office with your nose in the air.  Then go sit in your car and pretend to meditate or do yoga.

#7 - Ask your coworkers to gather in the lobby during the first 10 minutes of the work day.  Then regale them with a monologue and when you are done tell them to "stay tuned for more after these messages from our sponsors".  Then randomly invite coworkers to come to your desk through out the day to be interviewed as a guest on your show.

#8 -  When anyone asks you a question, say in your most mysterious voice "Let us consult...THE ORACLE!" and then pull out a magic 8 ball to find the answer, refuse to elaborate when they press you for a more detailed answer.

#9 - Hire an intern to follow you around repeating everything you say in song or interpretive dance.  If you can't get an intern, record a good drum rim shot on your phone and play it after everything you say...whether it is funny or not.

#10 - Crash Bring Your Kids To Work Day.  It's the most ridiculous and least productive day of the work year.  But if you don't have a kid you kind of get screwed over and have to do all the work that the people with kids are shirking off while they show their kid the supply closet, the water cooler, and boring them to death with speeches about how vital they are to the running of the company.  To remedy this situation just follow these simply instructions: 
  • Find a small dog, the uglier the better. 
  • Dress up small dog, make sure to include some kicky accessories. 
  • Give dog a ridiculous modern kid name and make sure to add your last name, call dog by full name all the time (ie. C-Air-A Bentley Bigglesworth Smith).
  • Bring small dog to BYKTWD. 
  • Carry dog around the office and introduce it as your child to everyone in the office. 
  • Give long winded explanations to dog about what you do at work "This is the copier, it is a magic machine that requires human sacrifice to appease the tiny unicorn gods that live inside it, the bloodier the sacrifice the better." or "This is a TPS report.  It is critical that they get turned in by 11am every day.  I'll put some down here for you to tinkle on, because that's basically what my boss does anyway when I hand them in."
  • When someone tries to politely point out that your dog is not your kid and you should take it home, act outraged.  Put your hands over the dog's ears and in your loudest drama queen whisper say "HOW DARE YOU SIR!  She doesn't know she's adopted.  Just because C-Air-A Bentley Bigglesworth Smith was adopted, doesn't mean that she is not my REAL child."
  • Take the rest of the day off on sick leave because you are emotionally unwell due to the workplace discrimination against adopted people.


Pache said...

So, I would like to know how many of these you have done.

The Suzzzz said...

Every single one of my head.