I met my friend, the awesome Miss J., in the cafe at Hastings this last Saturday. We sat and talked for a couple hours and were about ready to leave when we were accosted by an older gentleman in a bad toupee that was reminiscent of Andy Warhol.. He started talking and we couldn't get rid of him. He was under the impression that he knew us but we did NOT know him.
He told us his name was DJ and that he performs 40 minute shows of Disney music for free...just in case we were interested...because he's retired and needs something to do...so evidently he's taken up a hobby, torturing people with a synthesizer set to play Disney tunes. He gave us cards, he did not go away. We smiled and nodded and tried to be polite, and still he did not go away. Then he started singing Beatles songs as us and we tried to ignore him, and yet again he did not go away.
At one point I looked up and caught the eye of the barrista who seemed to be familiar with DJ. She mouthed the words "I'M SOOOOO SORRY!" at me and rolled her eyes at the guy. He was telling us how he was just a silly 65 year old guy but really felt like he was 40 and liked to get out and meet people and have a good time. Then he pauses and asks...
"Would you girls like a grasshopper?"
Miss J and I exchange looks that telegraphed the message "What we would like, is for him to disappear." and then the barrista called out "It's not what you think it is!". Well neither of us were sure what we thought he was offering us. Honestly it could have been drugs, chocolate mint cookies, or actual insects for all we knew, but we didn't want whatever it was.
DJ reached into his pocket and pulled out these colorful plastic and metal things and held them out insisting "Go on, take one, every girl should have a knife. There are a lot of weirdos out there, you need protection." Uh, yeah, yeah we do.
We each took one of the knives hoping that he would leave. When he wasn't making any moves towards the door we both grabbed our bags and started saying things like "Gotta run." "Look at the time." "Nice to meet you but we have a thing." He finally left and we both walked to our cars a little paranoid making sure he didn't follow us.
I'm not afraid to tell you that he freaked me right the heck out. I really, REALLY wanted to unleash my inner bitch and tell him to get lost but I have such a hard time being rude to people. I would rather avoid confrontation and just smile and nod and edge slowly away...then run like hell when they look away.
When I saw his fist full of pocket knives the first thing that came into my head was a quote from The Losers: "It's like giving a handgun to a six year old, Wade, you don't know how
it's gonna end, but you're pretty sure it's gonna make the papers"
My second thought was this, "Don't nobody else get crazy cause I will cut you!" :
And of course this gem:
I would have called for "SECK-CURE-A-TAY!" except Hastings doesn't really have any...so I think I need this shirt to wear when I go back. *sigh* How was your Saturday?