Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Things You Never Wanted To Know

I'm fundamentally against spiders.  In the same way that I am fundamentally against mimes, clowns, dolls, and Nicholas Cage.  They are evil, as in the fruits of the devil, true story.  If you hate spiders you should stop reading now, go look up cat memes or otter gifs.  You may have seen this floating around the interwebz, I believe it was made by a kindred spirit:

Found on google image search, facebook, and every spider hating web page ever.
I apologize in advance for the following photos.

So a while ago I came home to find this bad boy on the wall by my stairs:

Found, unfotunately, in my home.
Yeah I screamed like a little girl.  There was no way I was going to try smacking that with a shoe, I didn't want to hear the crunch or get close enough to physically smash it...then of course I'd have to burn the shoe and I like my shoes.  So what's a single girl to do?  Why call all my male relatives and have them promptly laugh and/or hang up on me.  My second plan of attack was the douse the sucker in Spider killing spray and then suck it into my vacuum, wait for the spray to take full effect, then when that mofo was a curled up shell of its former self I dumped the vacuum contents straight into my outdoor garbage can.

The irony of the situation is that my new full time job is in the office of a pest control company.  I've been there two full days now and today I saw a photo of a hobo spider.  In an effort to take a deeper interest in the job I mistakenly asked questions about the spider...holy mother of things you never wanted to know!  So because I now know this and can't erase it from my mind, I'm sharing it with you.

Here's a photo of a male hobo spider.

Found at hobospider.org
Do you see those googley things sticking out of its head?  They're antennae right?  Nope.  Ok, not antennae, so are they eyeballs?  Not even close.  You really want to know?  You will regret it.  Those are the male hobo spider's sex organs.  Just think of all the things you'll be able to get done now that you will never be able to close your eyes or fall asleep...EVER AGAIN.  You're welcome.  Just in case you want to sleep again you could try the pantyhose method.  For an explanation watch the full Raising Hope episode called "Sheer Madness"

Misery loves company.  Now excuse me, I have to go shower repeatedly after looking at those photos...and maybe burn my house down.

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