So my dear readers, whether you fly once a year or once a week, please read and enjoy. And no, this applies to none of you, it only applies to other people...just like the regular safety announcements.
I think on my last day ever of employment, I'm using this.
Ladies and gentlemen, of sorts, welcome aboard HoJet, a member of the Sky Whore Alliance, flight number...oh who cares, you aren't listening anyway. As you get settled, please place your belongings either underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bin.
In order to accommodate everyone's steamer trunks, we ask that you place smaller items such as the small rollerbag you call a 'purse' or the combat sized backpack you consider 'smaller than the ones the military issue' under the seat in front of you. Oh don't worry about the weight limit placard in the overhead, we know that crate can't possibly weigh over 50 pounds. Besides everyone knows the FAA just makes up those silly rules so they feel like they're in control.
If you need assistance, please call on one of the flight attendants. We totally understand most 6' males have issues with '15 pound bags' even though they were able to get it into their car and schlepp it through the airport Our 5'6" flight attendants are happy to lift those into the overhead for you. I mean, why pay $15.00 to check your trunk when you can spend that money to buy liquor older than most distilleries and wine that Jesus of Nazareth made?
Now that the door is closed, please turn off all cell phones and portable electronic devices. We understand every one of you is has their PhD in physics or at least has watched "Myth Busters" once or twice. Therefore, you know for a fact, your cell phone or electronic device won't interfere with anything on this plane. We also understand that you are more important than the President of the United States and you need to be in touch at all times. However, again those whacky people at the FAA still have those rules we have to tell you about. Seriously, you'd think the FAA would tune into the Discovery Channel once in a while, right? Anyway, they do need to be turned off.
We're going to demonstrate some of the safety equipment on this aircraft so we ask for your attention. Oh yes, we know you are ALL seasoned flyers. Some of you even fly like twice a year, but we still ask for your attention.
There is a safety information card located in your seat pocket you may use to follow along. Please don't put your gum or chewing tobacco in it.
To fasten your seatbelt, insert the flat metal end into the buckle, tighten by pulling in the loose end of the belt. To release, pull up on the buckle. So easy, even a child can do it. However, we will be coming through the cabin to show most of you again.
Since everyone knows every single aircraft in the world has the exact same exits in the exact same places, we're not going to bore you by pointing them out to you.
All carry ons need to be stowed underneath the seat in front of you in order to ensure free access to aisle. Unless it's your purse, backpack or laptop. Then you can hold it on your lap. After all, just because it could become a cabin missile or hinder the escape of your seatmate, doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to have it on your lap. You're more important than your seatmate anyway, right? Hence the reason you were brilliant enough to pay $15.00 extra for that aisle seat even though you really don't get any extra room and are constantly being asked to move so we can get our carts up and down the aisle.
Your tray tables and seat backs need to be in the up and locked position. Unless, of course, you're tired and need to sleep on your tray table or having the seat back up is uncomfortable. Then you can leave it down. Simply because the tray table could seriously injure you or, as with the seat back, hinder other passengers in a rapid egress, doesn't mean YOU should be inconvenienced. This hardly ever happens and the NTSB sometimes goes a little overboard with their findings.
In the unlikely event the oxygen masks deploy, pull the mask toward you to start the flow of oxygen. Cover your nose and mouth with the mask and put the elastic band around your head. Tighten by pulling on the ends. Oxygen will be flowing to the mask even though the bag not inflate. Guess you'll have to trust us on that one.
Smoking is prohibited on this aircraft. This is not a new rule so you needn't look so shocked. Disabling smoke detectors in the bathroom is a Federal offense and you will be fined for it. Well, provided we can actually get back up from our management team on that.
At this time, we will be coming through the cabin to explain ALL of these things again since it was so important for your to explain loudly to the person next to you how stupid these rules and 'so called Federal Regulations' are and didn't hear the part about fastened seat belts, tray tables and seat backs to be up, all carry ons stowed and electronic devices need to be off.
Again, welcome aboard HoJet where the passenger makes the rules and we don't get paid enough to care. Enjoy your flight!